November 7, 2009
October 9, 2009
How You Could Know You’re Gettimg Old
Actually it’s easy. You must be sure that you’re getting old if everything in your life hurts and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work:-) And you know what, there is nobody on the world who can help you on the way. That’s joke of course but it is common knowledge that there is some truth behind every joke. Besides that there is other symptoms of your oldness such as:
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bi-focals.
You feel like the morning after and you haven’t been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
Your mind makes contracts your body can’t meet.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is “20 Years Ago Today.”
You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
12. Your knees buckle, and your belt won’t.
You’re 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your Pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl.
The little old gray haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.
19. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age…and isn’t breaking any laws.
You call Olan Mills before they call you.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challange.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with, “because I said so.”
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word “equity” means.
You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel (sometimes referred to as “Old Folks MTV”).
You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
September 19, 2009
Albert Einstein Joking
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. “I have and idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
September 9, 2009
July 18, 2009
Humor horoscope – 2
Lion 23 July – 23 August
Being one of the most creatively presented signs, the Lion is capable to create remarkable masterpieces in all. As they are generous and sympathising, their friends and members of a family always are not deprived by attention and care. If the Lion reads corresponding magazines and books, it will necessarily gather from them ideas which subsequently uses to own advantage. They always know latest fashionable tendencies. Though Lions frequently are not enough understanding in the business chosen by them, they tend to show excessive authoritativeness, trying to help another – Lions are very vain. They like to go behind purchases, but consider, if you go on shops with the Lion you should follow its councils blindly. They do not like to spend for nothing the precious time, therefore any opinions are from outside ignored by them.
The maiden 24 August – 22 September
The maiden is the most meticulous and laborious sign. Responsible business often plunges the Maiden into despair on which change fussiness comes. It never does hasty conclusions and it is better seven times will measure, before once will cut off. This “fastidiousness” of the Maiden influences how the given sign notices errors of others.
If you wish to know exact quantity of the necessary material, time, etc., demanded for any business, safely ask the Maiden. They have amazing dexterity and a sharpness of mind for realisation of calculations. Maidens have predisposition to a natural scent. The Maiden seldom has a problem of combination of career and a family.
Scales 23 September – 23 October
Quiet and sociable, Scales very much love an order in all – they never will deny assistance and never will put the person in an uncomfortable situation. Friends are very important for Scales, they will not object both against close friendship, and against the warm dialogue which is not falling outside the limits familiarity. Unfortunately, Scales seldom ask about the help. They consider that if to be tolerant and to wait, the problem will disappear. As a result Scales are at a stop, expecting, while the problem does not become, for this reason many begun affairs of Scales and do not receive the end. Instead of finding the problem decision, they postpone this business and pass to another, hoping that will return to it later. Strange, but sometimes this method really works.
Scorpion 24 October -22 November
Being very “live” on the nature, Scorpions can be excellent friends and partners in life. They rely on the natural intuition, thereby, any problem dares at the Scorpion instinctively. Sometimes its impulsive nature generates for it problems – he often gives up work not finished or changes the preferences towards other project. But if the Scorpion is really realised has chosen to itself business he will make it very quality. Concerning technics novelties, he always should have the newest devices and inventions, differently the Scorpion cannot easy sleep. Scorpions want and constantly aspire to have all the best. This desire also “forces” them to work nonstop and to do exclusively qualitative work. As Scorpions are very vigorous, they can work and without interruption on a tea cup.
July 4, 2009
Humor horoscope
The Aries 21 March – 20 April
Do not begin today new affairs, begin any old affairs is better. Disconnect phone not prevent to concentrate to you, especially if you work in service “911″. Emotions are better be not to splashing out,remain more to youself.
Taurus 21 April – 20 May
Today you maybe want changes. It is necessary to satisfy this desire, that nerves have not stretched, as strings. What, ask, to do, if changes are not present and is not expected? Well, a ceiling orange colour to paint, for example. Evening approaches for love appointment to a bar.
Twins 21 May – 21 June
Good luck accompanies business workers, and accordingly – does not accompany workers of purchase sphere. If it would not be desirable to sit at stuffy office, take work at home. Especially if you work as the builder or the executioner. I should be roblems with plane purchase because today you are very choosy. Why you want salon only from a skin of a leopard? Will this leopard unexpectedly bite you for ass?
Cancer 22 June – 22 July
Try not to work today with electronic devices. Especially with the electric razor. Because failure of power supplies it will shave you so ugly that your girlfriend will cry and will leave you to the DJ. It is possible to do small purchases: beads, small jewels and horseshoes for fleas.
it will be to continue
March 11, 2009
February 12, 2009
The fly in the coffee
What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?
The Italian – throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.
The German – carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it, and makes a new cup of coffee.
The Frenchman – takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
The Chinese – eats the fly and throws away the coffee.
The Russian – drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.
The Israeli – sells the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the Chinese, drinks tea, and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.
The Palestinian – blames the Israeli for the fly falling in his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives, and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of tea to the Palestinian.
