Some funny sayings I’ve collected long time ago.
S-m-i-l-e !
You can’t have everything….where would you put it?
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If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings including this one.
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Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
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An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
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When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
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I found a great way to attract money… work!
Curtis D. Tucker
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He stole my heart, so I stole his last name.
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Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
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Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain
Lily Tomlin
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I’m out of my mind, feel free to leave a message!
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The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
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Be nice to your kids, they’ll choose your nursing home.
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Of all the things I’ve lost… I miss my mind the most.
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Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years.
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If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me. ~Song title by Jimmy Buffet
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Sir, you are like a pin, but without either its head or its point.
Douglas Jerrold
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I either Get what I want or I change my mind.
Dreams For An Insomniac
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijhig6klaJU&hl=en_US&fs=1&]
These are from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts”, and are things people actually said in Court, word for word, taken down and now published by Court Reporter that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Especially interesting for Lawyers and Doctors.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes . ;
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shi**ing me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I’m going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you
qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no child-like faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies!
Francis P. Church
From the New York Sun, September 21, 1897.
If there is no joyous way to give a festive gift, give love away.
Author Unknown
Let us remember that the Christmas heart is a giving heart, a wide open heart that thinks of others first. The birth of the baby Jesus stands as the most significant event in all history, because it has meant the pouring into a sick world of the healing medicine of love which has transformed all manner of hearts for almost two thousand years… Underneath all the bulging bundles is this beating Christmas heart.
George Mathhew Adams
Somehow, not only for Christmas,
But all the long year through,
The joy that you give to others,
Is the joy that comes back to you.
And the more you spend in blessing,
The poor and lonely and sad,
The more of your heart’s possessing,
Returns to you glad.
John Greenleaf Whittier
It is Christmas in the heart that puts Christmas in the air.
W. T. Ellis
The merry family gatherings -
The old, the very young;
The strangely lovely way they
Harmonize in carols sung.
For Christmas is tradition time -
Traditions that recall
The precious memories down the years,
The sameness of them all.
Helen Lowrie Marshall
The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.
Burton Hillis
Love came down at Christ
Love all lovely, love divine;
Love was born at Christmas,
Stars and angels gave the sign.
Christina Rossetti
Christmas … is not an eternal event at all, but a piece of one’s home that one carries in one’s heart.
Freya Stark
I heard the bells on Christmas Day.
Their old familiar carols play.
And wild and sweet the words repeat.
Of peace on earth goodwill to men.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.
Calvin Coolidge
Christmas is the season for kindling the fire of hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.
Washington Irving
Christmas reminds us we are not alone. We are not unrelated atoms, bouncing and ricocheting amid aliens, but are a part of something, which holds and sustains us. As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December’s bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same. Christmas shows us the ties that bind us together, threads of love and caring, woven in the simplest and strongest way within the family.
Donald E. Westlake
Christmas won’t be Christmas without any presents.
Louisa May Alcott
Do they still make wooden Christmas Trees?
Charles Schulz
Linus Van Pelt in Peanuts.
Forget about the crackers,
And forget about the candy;
I’m sure a box of chocolates
Would never come in handy;
I don’t like oranges,
I don’t want nuts,
And I HAVE got a pocket-knife
That almost cuts.
But, oh! Father Christmas, if you love me at all,
Bring me a big, red india-rubber ball!
A. A. Milne
Actually it’s easy. You must be sure that you’re getting old if everything in your life hurts and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work:-) And you know what, there is nobody on the world who can help you on the way. That’s joke of course but it is common knowledge that there is some truth behind every joke. Besides that there is other symptoms of your oldness such as:
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bi-focals.
You feel like the morning after and you haven’t been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
Your mind makes contracts your body can’t meet.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is “20 Years Ago Today.”
You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
12. Your knees buckle, and your belt won’t.
You’re 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your Pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl.
The little old gray haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.
19. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age…and isn’t breaking any laws.
You call Olan Mills before they call you.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challange.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with, “because I said so.”
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word “equity” means.
You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel (sometimes referred to as “Old Folks MTV”).
You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. “I have and idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gd3oYFS9g9I&hl=en&fs=1&]
Lion 23 July – 23 August
Being one of the most creatively presented signs, the Lion is capable to create remarkable masterpieces in all. As they are generous and sympathising, their friends and members of a family always are not deprived by attention and care. If the Lion reads corresponding magazines and books, it will necessarily gather from them ideas which subsequently uses to own advantage. They always know latest fashionable tendencies. Though Lions frequently are not enough understanding in the business chosen by them, they tend to show excessive authoritativeness, trying to help another – Lions are very vain. They like to go behind purchases, but consider, if you go on shops with the Lion you should follow its councils blindly. They do not like to spend for nothing the precious time, therefore any opinions are from outside ignored by them.
The maiden 24 August – 22 September
The maiden is the most meticulous and laborious sign. Responsible business often plunges the Maiden into despair on which change fussiness comes. It never does hasty conclusions and it is better seven times will measure, before once will cut off. This “fastidiousness” of the Maiden influences how the given sign notices errors of others.
If you wish to know exact quantity of the necessary material, time, etc., demanded for any business, safely ask the Maiden. They have amazing dexterity and a sharpness of mind for realisation of calculations. Maidens have predisposition to a natural scent. The Maiden seldom has a problem of combination of career and a family.
Scales 23 September – 23 October
Quiet and sociable, Scales very much love an order in all – they never will deny assistance and never will put the person in an uncomfortable situation. Friends are very important for Scales, they will not object both against close friendship, and against the warm dialogue which is not falling outside the limits familiarity. Unfortunately, Scales seldom ask about the help. They consider that if to be tolerant and to wait, the problem will disappear. As a result Scales are at a stop, expecting, while the problem does not become, for this reason many begun affairs of Scales and do not receive the end. Instead of finding the problem decision, they postpone this business and pass to another, hoping that will return to it later. Strange, but sometimes this method really works.
Scorpion 24 October -22 November
Being very “live” on the nature, Scorpions can be excellent friends and partners in life. They rely on the natural intuition, thereby, any problem dares at the Scorpion instinctively. Sometimes its impulsive nature generates for it problems – he often gives up work not finished or changes the preferences towards other project. But if the Scorpion is really realised has chosen to itself business he will make it very quality. Concerning technics novelties, he always should have the newest devices and inventions, differently the Scorpion cannot easy sleep. Scorpions want and constantly aspire to have all the best. This desire also “forces” them to work nonstop and to do exclusively qualitative work. As Scorpions are very vigorous, they can work and without interruption on a tea cup.
